The year is 2010 the day Sunday and the date 3rd Jan I walk into the parlor. I’d treat myself to a relaxing day at the spa that was my intention.
The objective was before me but what should I do about the slight heaviness that lay cradled in my chest. Close to the heart was it? Or was it in touch with the part of me that still tended to hold a gulp of air. Was the feeling in my lungs?
My eyes shut my thoughts hover. What is this feeling holding me hostage? Though visiting less frequently these days it was not dead. Which circumstances or persons were triggers? I gently called the feeling.
It sat before me head bent resting on my knees. Cradled in its arms was my head. Alone! I do not look up. Why? What is it that I am missing? What is this feeling?
Jealousy!
Incredible, but true I am envious of those who take my place giving emotional support to my loved ones. I so desire that I’d be the one to be relied and turned too in times of joy and sorrow. It’s a painful moment as I look at my feelings face to face.
When one does not see love and pain in my separation I take exception to that. Desirous am I to be understood by near and dear ones in these times. Here I choose to stop the roller coaster of self-pity and get off. The sensation subsides and balanced emotion visits. I welcome it!
I like the slow approach in my thinking and a feeling of superior contentment clears my being. How spot on it was going to turn out to be I could see for real as a wave of peace sweeps over me.
Simplicity in my feelings I found when I remembered what it was I really want. Protective I will be of my kin today and always.
It is never too late to begin to face what makes you holds your breath. I began. I am 54 years of age.
Love always
Joscelyn
