Tryst with Paranoid Thinking

Fearful is the mind of outcomes and end results so it struggles to find ways to control and stop the unstoppable.

Faith is no visitor in this environment. Hope has fled to another time and age.

You are standing as if on the edge of a cliff set on a bowl of jelly.

Imaginations are as fluid as real. A hazy feeling like smoke blurs every thought of calm.

Surrounding everything is a tight, unhappy & destitute goal.

The goal being I have to DO something. DO IT MY WAY and try and

keep trying to make it all well! I claim this is not unreasonable. I say

I know best. It’s my life I should know. Isn’t it?

Defenses up. Every thought goes back to that thought. What if?

Doom looms large? Despair is so friendly.

Arrogance stems from the likes of this kind of thought control. This was news to me. How can arrogance cause the hot ball escalating downhill to my ruin? When everything that I am trying to do is to stall that very situation of devastation?

How?

Mistrustful is the heart as I listen to the logic which seemed unreal and anger takes over.Not possible says a voice it is mine.

How can I not do anything to make things better?

How can I be expected to not scold, contrive & connive? It’s my life after all?

Suspicious of every intention

Obsessed with finding answers

I lumber on.......

Bad-tempered are the demands on one self and the other. This leads to more despair.

Then I stopped to pay attention to the logic of the Serenity prayer

God, grant us the...

Serenity to accept things we cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that we have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the

Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

A strange calm descends as surrender no longer means giving up hope. Rather it’s a method to think things from a different perspective. It is a road where human dignity is restored.

Pride rides out into the sunset. Saddle bags full of the past misconceptions.

Never to reign in this mind again.

Promise made. Promise kept.

Love always

Joscelyn