SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

Its 9:15pm Wednesday 14^th April’2010. The room is dark. The air is comfortably cool. The hum in my head slightly louder than what I am used to. The ache between my eyebrows I wish wasn’t there.

I am lying on the flat of my back almost in the middle of my double bed. You will be wondering why in the middle? On my bed I have a spring mattress said to be a good from a medical point of view. So I was told when the shopping and purchasing of the said mattress was done.

Anyway as with all things that I buy I read the literature that comes along with it once and cover to cover. So I did the same here too. It gave me the whole lowdown and it has nicely tailored on to the side and top the month which side needs to be up and when it needed down etc. I found it extremely delightful and helpful too. So this means this mattress would be my long term companion if I used it as instructed. So the use of the mattress began.

Now here is the twister. Double bed = two people. But here I was the single user. So a few weeks into using it I came up with the brilliant idea of sleeping in the middle. Now don’t ask my why or how this was going to help me save and protect my handsome mattress. I have no answer for you as I still am asking myself that question. I seemed to have a good enough reason at the time but not now.

So having said that let’s get on with it. Did I mention that on the flat of my back went hand in hand with no pillow under my head? I have a reason for that. You see I was having unbearable pain originating from a hidden source but terminating in my right upper arm, sometimes migrating to just short of my shoulder. It was a two stop train and boy it was 24x7. So I listened to a good soul who told me to not use a pillow. I listen. I did. I slept that way for nearly a fortnight. Now I know that, that was the killer choice.

On this fateful night with the nagging ache in my head I tossed and turned for a while. Thinking I should get relief if I used some balm. Now here ‘I should have never done that’ bit should rightly appear but I did. I wriggled on my back using my good arm as leverage. I was swift to put it mildly.

I was at the edge of the bed I reached across with my good arm for the treasure, the balm container. I heard a howl of pain it was coming from my mouth. And the room took a dive to the left and then right. SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

My room, my home all over the place and it was positively not holding still. I hastily lay on my back releasing the pressure I was putting on my poor aching arm. I tried to get my eyes to focus but the swirling was relentless.

Who had shifted my bed and put it into the deep blue rough sea? The weather report was without doubt not good. With deep breathes I tried to calm my pounding heart. The pitch darkness was enemy number one as it lent itself to the million of things which could be happening to me with no one the wiser.

Breathe was my command to myself. Feel it in your lungs. Let it out long and noisily. Come on girl, think. Now’s not a good time to ask me to think when I could feel the soles of my feet tingle. And the point of pitch darkness was suffocating me.

I willed myself up and with a mighty trust of ‘all is well’ I swung my legs over the side of the bed. The voice that met my ears was mine no one else was in the room but in a million years I would not recognize it if you played it back on tape for me. No! Wait! What! Oh my Gosh! Words strung together on a thread of pain linking and making it a private cesspool---- SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

The horror of the darkness loomed and the sane part of me reached for the switch of the bedside lamp…The pain and the confusion joined hands but I won the light was on. I swayed back onto the bed worn out, shattered and my heart pounded. You are alone what are you going to do? It asked.

‘Do, you want me to do something more? I want to just breathe if you want to do something contrary you are most welcome but be it on your own time. Now all pumps on deck…breathe in from the nose cool air let it twirl and expand the corners of my lungs. Breathe out from the mouth, pucker those lips dear and feel the slightly warm air pass through them.

Look around and take each thing you see as if you are seeing it for the first time. Focus and devour.’ Yes that’s it. The tingling in my feet was beginning to subside. What about the pain in my arm? It’s there making its presence felt with every drawn breath. What about the swirling wind? It’s there but it’s less noisy. My neck ached more than ever from trying not to move my head even an inch. No. now that I could not allow for I refused to be visited by SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

Have any ideas heart? I asked. ‘No,’ was the feeble replying “You the boss”. Tick tock tick tock….time waits for no man. I am so glad it does not. I knew, if nothing else that with time I would feel better. ‘Ok, then lets regroup. Heart no pounding, remember who the boss is. Ok, I now need outside assistance surely. ‘How?’ said heart. ‘Easy’ said I. ‘I’ll make a call from my cell isn’t that wonderful’.

But heart was undone with this suggestion. ‘OOOOOOOOOOOOOO’ emitted from my lips as pound, dollar, dime, and nickel beat my poor nervous heart. How are you going to reach for the phone it’s near the bedside lamp and reaching it meant pain, pure unearthly pain? ‘That’s ok .It will be for just a second.’I explained to heart ‘No pain No gain’… pound, dollar, dime and nickel ‘ooooooooooooooooo ok’, agreed heart. Right, all courage on board….slowly eyes right! SWIRL, SWISH & WOOSH! Came visiting.

Ok that’s not strategy. My eyes had now seen where the cell phone was so I would have to reach for it without asking Eyes to look anywhere but straight ahead. Here, we go 1, 2, and 3 reaching wildly but with a strange precision “I GOT IT “I told the room aloud “I got it.” Pain in my arm I choose not to let register. I clutched the cell close to my heart. ‘Here it’s our way to get help I comforted heart. The cell lent a weight of its own, a comforting sort of weight as it lay on my chest.

‘Clam down heart and get on with some prayers while I call for help’. ‘Ok eyes focus’, I read the time 10:35pm. Scroll call log…Cleeta a young teacher from junior school living in the building in front of mine. Closest, no debate she wins hands down because of geography. Thankfully she was also a kindly helpful soul that was the ray of light in the otherwise darkened horizon. That call goes through and as I ask and receive help heart beats at a constant restful rhythm but the hollow feeling remains.

Cleeta talks me through the motions to get up.

Swirl, swish and whoosh are little kids doing my bidding subsiding as if tired and disinterested and as I come down the now endless corridor. How I love those close walls which are easy to reach and supportive to touch. As I open the door to let her in I feel better. Alex, her husband and her son are with her. They took me to the ER and were with me till 2am.

Now don’t ask me what happened in the ER. You will just have to wait for another day for that. But suffice to say with caring, helpful people like Cleeta and family pain, confusion and trauma had to take a back seat.

Love always

Joscelyn

DAILY DELIGHTS

A little one pushes with both tiny hands the door of my office.

The door budges a couple of inches and closes shut.

No sound or movement I detect for a couple of seconds I was half way out of my chair when the door moved an inch again.

I stood up and the door opened and in came tumbling the owner of the hands that never gave up. I was impressed.

“Good Morning Supervisor Ma’am” said little Benjamin giving me a beaming smile.

“Good Morning Dear, How can I help you?”

“I like your office” said the admirer looking around.

“Oh, do you now! Well, thank you.”I said hardly knowing what to expect next.

“I want to see my class?” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

“Your class?” I asked perplexed. Knowing that Benjamin has been with us over 6 months and surely knew where his classroom was located.

“Tell me the name of your class?” I ventured.

“R2G”, pat came the reply.

I was glad he knew the name of his class.

Ok, let’s go and I will show you your class."

“There, my class is here, he said pointing to the notice board on which Class Teachers had contributed in handcraft the name of their respective class along with a photograph of them self.

With that he clamored on to the sofa in front of the board on his knees and reached to touch the Bee that held the name of his class.

“Where is my teacher?” he murmured. By now I was clued on and watched him look about on the board.

Smartly, he shouted, “Here here!” I had no need to even point her out for him. Then without further ado he got on to his feet waved a ‘bye bye’ to me and left.

He had me smiling as I experienced his confidence and I am grateful I did.

Love Always

Joscelyn

BRICKS AND LACE

Good intentions are free and invigorating. Executing the good intention is tough and long-term. The feel good factor of intentions fades when the implementation begins. What stares you in the face is discomfort of darkness as hard work beckons and silence deafens as your ego stops talking to you. You are on your own. Now reality bites and only the tough get going the rest make excuses for themselves or blame others both are time consuming activities and gets one back on the table of good intentions feeling free and invigorating once again. So you see it’s quite a short journey around the block if you are the talker and not the doer.

Think big is the message flashing in my head. The signals I see says ‘THINK BIG’. If through life you own voice has been your mean critic. It’s been your stumbling block, every now and again. Then now is the time to transform all that. Thinking Big comes from knowing how to dream in Technicolor. Can you visualize your dream with open eyes? Can you see your dream in the day? Can you see your dream when it’s dark or even when your hut is on fire? Can you see an opportunity in what others term as a disaster? If yes, then yes you are a big thinker. But then a big doer is another thing altogether.

Mostly its bricks of kindness and thoughtfulness and help and care of generous, good souls that paved the way as I built my being as I am. Expressed thanks I have, shown appreciation, it will never be enough. All such effort and generosity I make green with my attitude. I received as a bequest, without thinking of consequences. I now must give with my life, without worrying about the cost.

I will fashion words which do not hurt, mortify and scar when I speak to others or to myself. The piercing word which injures and maims and holds to ransom sweet existence is to be over and done as it eradicates the bitterness that sours cream even if it’s in ones imagination.

I see myself clearer than even before. I am weaker than you thought. I am more selfish than I knew among other things. Jaded is my bowled over and fall down attitude. I know now what I have to do but will I have the courage to go the long way it takes me or will I fall down and play dead. Time will tell.

Love always,

Joscelyn