SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

Its 9:15pm Wednesday 14^th April’2010. The room is dark. The air is comfortably cool. The hum in my head slightly louder than what I am used to. The ache between my eyebrows I wish wasn’t there.

I am lying on the flat of my back almost in the middle of my double bed. You will be wondering why in the middle? On my bed I have a spring mattress said to be a good from a medical point of view. So I was told when the shopping and purchasing of the said mattress was done.

Anyway as with all things that I buy I read the literature that comes along with it once and cover to cover. So I did the same here too. It gave me the whole lowdown and it has nicely tailored on to the side and top the month which side needs to be up and when it needed down etc. I found it extremely delightful and helpful too. So this means this mattress would be my long term companion if I used it as instructed. So the use of the mattress began.

Now here is the twister. Double bed = two people. But here I was the single user. So a few weeks into using it I came up with the brilliant idea of sleeping in the middle. Now don’t ask my why or how this was going to help me save and protect my handsome mattress. I have no answer for you as I still am asking myself that question. I seemed to have a good enough reason at the time but not now.

So having said that let’s get on with it. Did I mention that on the flat of my back went hand in hand with no pillow under my head? I have a reason for that. You see I was having unbearable pain originating from a hidden source but terminating in my right upper arm, sometimes migrating to just short of my shoulder. It was a two stop train and boy it was 24x7. So I listened to a good soul who told me to not use a pillow. I listen. I did. I slept that way for nearly a fortnight. Now I know that, that was the killer choice.

On this fateful night with the nagging ache in my head I tossed and turned for a while. Thinking I should get relief if I used some balm. Now here ‘I should have never done that’ bit should rightly appear but I did. I wriggled on my back using my good arm as leverage. I was swift to put it mildly.

I was at the edge of the bed I reached across with my good arm for the treasure, the balm container. I heard a howl of pain it was coming from my mouth. And the room took a dive to the left and then right. SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

My room, my home all over the place and it was positively not holding still. I hastily lay on my back releasing the pressure I was putting on my poor aching arm. I tried to get my eyes to focus but the swirling was relentless.

Who had shifted my bed and put it into the deep blue rough sea? The weather report was without doubt not good. With deep breathes I tried to calm my pounding heart. The pitch darkness was enemy number one as it lent itself to the million of things which could be happening to me with no one the wiser.

Breathe was my command to myself. Feel it in your lungs. Let it out long and noisily. Come on girl, think. Now’s not a good time to ask me to think when I could feel the soles of my feet tingle. And the point of pitch darkness was suffocating me.

I willed myself up and with a mighty trust of ‘all is well’ I swung my legs over the side of the bed. The voice that met my ears was mine no one else was in the room but in a million years I would not recognize it if you played it back on tape for me. No! Wait! What! Oh my Gosh! Words strung together on a thread of pain linking and making it a private cesspool---- SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

The horror of the darkness loomed and the sane part of me reached for the switch of the bedside lamp…The pain and the confusion joined hands but I won the light was on. I swayed back onto the bed worn out, shattered and my heart pounded. You are alone what are you going to do? It asked.

‘Do, you want me to do something more? I want to just breathe if you want to do something contrary you are most welcome but be it on your own time. Now all pumps on deck…breathe in from the nose cool air let it twirl and expand the corners of my lungs. Breathe out from the mouth, pucker those lips dear and feel the slightly warm air pass through them.

Look around and take each thing you see as if you are seeing it for the first time. Focus and devour.’ Yes that’s it. The tingling in my feet was beginning to subside. What about the pain in my arm? It’s there making its presence felt with every drawn breath. What about the swirling wind? It’s there but it’s less noisy. My neck ached more than ever from trying not to move my head even an inch. No. now that I could not allow for I refused to be visited by SWIRL, SWISH & WHOOSH!

Have any ideas heart? I asked. ‘No,’ was the feeble replying “You the boss”. Tick tock tick tock….time waits for no man. I am so glad it does not. I knew, if nothing else that with time I would feel better. ‘Ok, then lets regroup. Heart no pounding, remember who the boss is. Ok, I now need outside assistance surely. ‘How?’ said heart. ‘Easy’ said I. ‘I’ll make a call from my cell isn’t that wonderful’.

But heart was undone with this suggestion. ‘OOOOOOOOOOOOOO’ emitted from my lips as pound, dollar, dime, and nickel beat my poor nervous heart. How are you going to reach for the phone it’s near the bedside lamp and reaching it meant pain, pure unearthly pain? ‘That’s ok .It will be for just a second.’I explained to heart ‘No pain No gain’… pound, dollar, dime and nickel ‘ooooooooooooooooo ok’, agreed heart. Right, all courage on board….slowly eyes right! SWIRL, SWISH & WOOSH! Came visiting.

Ok that’s not strategy. My eyes had now seen where the cell phone was so I would have to reach for it without asking Eyes to look anywhere but straight ahead. Here, we go 1, 2, and 3 reaching wildly but with a strange precision “I GOT IT “I told the room aloud “I got it.” Pain in my arm I choose not to let register. I clutched the cell close to my heart. ‘Here it’s our way to get help I comforted heart. The cell lent a weight of its own, a comforting sort of weight as it lay on my chest.

‘Clam down heart and get on with some prayers while I call for help’. ‘Ok eyes focus’, I read the time 10:35pm. Scroll call log…Cleeta a young teacher from junior school living in the building in front of mine. Closest, no debate she wins hands down because of geography. Thankfully she was also a kindly helpful soul that was the ray of light in the otherwise darkened horizon. That call goes through and as I ask and receive help heart beats at a constant restful rhythm but the hollow feeling remains.

Cleeta talks me through the motions to get up.

Swirl, swish and whoosh are little kids doing my bidding subsiding as if tired and disinterested and as I come down the now endless corridor. How I love those close walls which are easy to reach and supportive to touch. As I open the door to let her in I feel better. Alex, her husband and her son are with her. They took me to the ER and were with me till 2am.

Now don’t ask me what happened in the ER. You will just have to wait for another day for that. But suffice to say with caring, helpful people like Cleeta and family pain, confusion and trauma had to take a back seat.

Love always

Joscelyn

DAILY DELIGHTS

A little one pushes with both tiny hands the door of my office.

The door budges a couple of inches and closes shut.

No sound or movement I detect for a couple of seconds I was half way out of my chair when the door moved an inch again.

I stood up and the door opened and in came tumbling the owner of the hands that never gave up. I was impressed.

“Good Morning Supervisor Ma’am” said little Benjamin giving me a beaming smile.

“Good Morning Dear, How can I help you?”

“I like your office” said the admirer looking around.

“Oh, do you now! Well, thank you.”I said hardly knowing what to expect next.

“I want to see my class?” he said with a twinkle in his eye.

“Your class?” I asked perplexed. Knowing that Benjamin has been with us over 6 months and surely knew where his classroom was located.

“Tell me the name of your class?” I ventured.

“R2G”, pat came the reply.

I was glad he knew the name of his class.

Ok, let’s go and I will show you your class."

“There, my class is here, he said pointing to the notice board on which Class Teachers had contributed in handcraft the name of their respective class along with a photograph of them self.

With that he clamored on to the sofa in front of the board on his knees and reached to touch the Bee that held the name of his class.

“Where is my teacher?” he murmured. By now I was clued on and watched him look about on the board.

Smartly, he shouted, “Here here!” I had no need to even point her out for him. Then without further ado he got on to his feet waved a ‘bye bye’ to me and left.

He had me smiling as I experienced his confidence and I am grateful I did.

Love Always

Joscelyn

BRICKS AND LACE

Good intentions are free and invigorating. Executing the good intention is tough and long-term. The feel good factor of intentions fades when the implementation begins. What stares you in the face is discomfort of darkness as hard work beckons and silence deafens as your ego stops talking to you. You are on your own. Now reality bites and only the tough get going the rest make excuses for themselves or blame others both are time consuming activities and gets one back on the table of good intentions feeling free and invigorating once again. So you see it’s quite a short journey around the block if you are the talker and not the doer.

Think big is the message flashing in my head. The signals I see says ‘THINK BIG’. If through life you own voice has been your mean critic. It’s been your stumbling block, every now and again. Then now is the time to transform all that. Thinking Big comes from knowing how to dream in Technicolor. Can you visualize your dream with open eyes? Can you see your dream in the day? Can you see your dream when it’s dark or even when your hut is on fire? Can you see an opportunity in what others term as a disaster? If yes, then yes you are a big thinker. But then a big doer is another thing altogether.

Mostly its bricks of kindness and thoughtfulness and help and care of generous, good souls that paved the way as I built my being as I am. Expressed thanks I have, shown appreciation, it will never be enough. All such effort and generosity I make green with my attitude. I received as a bequest, without thinking of consequences. I now must give with my life, without worrying about the cost.

I will fashion words which do not hurt, mortify and scar when I speak to others or to myself. The piercing word which injures and maims and holds to ransom sweet existence is to be over and done as it eradicates the bitterness that sours cream even if it’s in ones imagination.

I see myself clearer than even before. I am weaker than you thought. I am more selfish than I knew among other things. Jaded is my bowled over and fall down attitude. I know now what I have to do but will I have the courage to go the long way it takes me or will I fall down and play dead. Time will tell.

Love always,

Joscelyn

MY DAUGHTER JANELLE THROUGH MY EYES

IT MAY SEEM FRUITLESS BUT ITS FINE.

The time will come for it to be seen as all over and done with. But till then I am alive and I will live to the best of my ability. When laughter visits less often and fear is more likely a companion, I seek to lift myself out and go the extra mile to recover and refuse to give up.

Life has come full circle. I am back in my childhood surrounded by little children in the kindergarten. I am single minded the way I like to be. My reservations have melted and I am home. I am happy and it comes from the contentment of a job well done for today. Tomorrow will I cherish today as a memory or will I want to erase it from my existence? This I make my motivation to do or not to do, to say or not to say! Regrets I have a few, I live with them till I can make amends. Till then…..

As challenges beckon I am willing. As fear surfaces I acknowledge it as the scar I have to live with and will not let it become a road block to where I want to be.

Opportunities abound. Is it I see more clearly because of a cultivated attitude or is this just the fallout of age and maturity? I ask? Words thrive in my fertile imagination of a learner, teacher, leader and doubter that I am. It is my endeavor to be careful and work towards not hurting anyone intentionally or otherwise. It’s my mission to live each day hence forth with an inclusive but a non interfering vision. To live and let live is a freeing experience.

Love always,

Joscelyn Marcedo-Fernandes

Walk Don't Run

The corridors and halls of schools world over are visited at some time or the other with these callouts.
"WALK DON'T RUN" or " NO RUNNING IN THE CORRIDORS"

Safety is the prime concern in every adult's vision. Who operate from the premise, "prevention is better than cure". So all effort is make to stop what may occur.

Sometimes an indignant voice pitches an octave near earth shattering degree when it yells, "How many times have I told you not to run on the corridors?" you'd be luck if the little one waits to answer you on that one. If you do catch the erring one you will be amazed at the incredulous expression of a big question mark on the countenance. "From where did you appear?" it asks.

I had a stroke of genius when I asked a speeding tornado wrapped up in this little one.
"Why are you running?" I called out. Without reducing his speed or direction I heard him say as he disappeared into his class at the end of the corridor, "To come first". I have thus stopped 'asking questions' at this most volatile time when children have but one mission, of reaching point B from point A at top speed.

However, the safety of children still remains our prime concern. So we have to work around the mind set of the child to reach in and say it in the way which makes sense to them. The first step would be to make children aware of the dangers of hurting themselves and others. This is apporached in a story telling session, roping in how traffic rules are obeyed by parents for the same reasons. A role play of obeying rules in school is set up a few days later. Seeing the scenario unfold may strike a chord as visual usually do. Next a specially prepared presentation of reminder signals is shown in all classes. This is equally colourful and interesting. With this we make them familiar with what is expected of them when they see the signal. Lastly, on the corridor walls we put up these specially made signals at the eye level of the child, at strategic points. These bright and colourful indicators say 'WALK'.

I am now in 'walk' mode with this project and will not expect speedy results but will surely expect the long term outcome to be in the interest and safety of the child.

Love always
Joscelyn Fernandes
OOEHS, Kindergarten Supervisor.

The J when GREEN

The year is 2010 the day Sunday and the date 3^rd Jan I walk into the parlor. I’d treat myself to a relaxing day at the spa that was my intention.

The objective was before me but what should I do about the slight heaviness that lay cradled in my chest. Close to the heart was it? Or was it in touch with the part of me that still tended to hold a gulp of air. Was the feeling in my lungs?

My eyes shut my thoughts hover. What is this feeling holding me hostage? Though visiting less frequently these days it was not dead. Which circumstances or persons were triggers? I gently called the feeling.

It sat before me head bent resting on my knees. Cradled in its arms was my head. Alone! I do not look up. Why? What is it that I am missing? What is this feeling?

Jealousy!

Incredible, but true I am envious of those who take my place giving emotional support to my loved ones. I so desire that I’d be the one to be relied and turned too in times of joy and sorrow. It’s a painful moment as I look at my feelings face to face.

When one does not see love and pain in my separation I take exception to that. Desirous am I to be understood by near and dear ones in these times. Here I choose to stop the roller coaster of self-pity and get off. The sensation subsides and balanced emotion visits. I welcome it!

I like the slow approach in my thinking and a feeling of superior contentment clears my being. How spot on it was going to turn out to be I could see for real as a wave of peace sweeps over me.

Simplicity in my feelings I found when I remembered what it was I really want. Protective I will be of my kin today and always.

It is never too late to begin to face what makes you holds your breath. I began. I am 54 years of age.

Love always

Joscelyn