THE LIFE OF A MEMORY

My memory serves me…………………..

I am a little girl. I am 6 years old maybe a

little older. I have six older siblings and

one younger sister. I have a few sketchy

memories of this little girl. And some are

etched clearer in my heart than in my mind.

I remember

Looking through the slits of my closed eyes

at my father putting on his trousers

hurriedly but yet in the same unique way he

always did.

He thrust his right foot into the trouser leg,

it was always his right leg first and then the

left.

While doing so he held the left pant leg

up against the waistband of the pant.

Two fingers deftly holding it ready to be gone, to

swing down in unison with his left leg going

into it.

My eyes shift I can see the bed up against

the wall. I lay still.

Several voices I heard calling my name in

octaves higher each time.

My eyes shut I lay. Off went my eldest sister

and father to call the doctor I was told later.

Was I dead? No, I was not. But why did I

not get up to the call to go for early

morning mass?

Was I not willing to go to church?

No, I don’t remember, going to church

being distasteful at that age. I was

too young and too obedient to make such a

choice.

Then what was it? As I remember it…..I

was called to get up I did not….what

followed was rapid and on the spot ….all

hell broke loose as I did not wake up and

apparently I looked dead to the onlookers.

But for me I just went with the flow after

the initial 2 seconds it was not in my hands

anymore. Maybe I wanted the attention? I

like to think not, but whatever!

What followed was a stunning ruffle from

my scared and angry mother and what

seemed never ending was a steady,

unrelenting, painful teasing by my siblings

which mortified me and ALWAYS had me

dissolve in tears.

I was the Great Pretender. They sang the song of that

title“O OH O OH Yes, I AM A GREAT

PRETENDER………

that line was enough for the sob to begin.

At last, now it does no more. I have grown

up!

As I said my memory serves me. Maybe you

won’t remember it like my memory serves.......

So …….Ha ha! Keep Smiling!

Love always

Joscelyn

YELLOW, MYFIRST RIDE!

I am gifted my life and living it is my

birthright.

In the early days of life happily playing

non-stop at best I plotted and planned

games with my sisters and the

neighborhood kids.

It was striking those days when eating

and sleeping delightfully fell into place,

no outlook needed.

Riding my tricycle I do not remember but

what I do live with is the sublime

memory of my lovely Yellow three

wheeled scooter.

You know the one now made famous

with Hiritik Roshan setting his foot on it.

Yes his ride in ‘Koi Mil Gaya’ that’s the

one!

{For those who don’t know Hiritik. He is

the sizzling Indian movie star of today}

I witness my left foot on the ground the

handle confidently gripped. The right

foot right-angled to the elegant straight

front extensions firm in the panel that

served as foot rest.

Mind full of anticipation and my eyes

after that only see the path ahead.

Leaning forward I’d push forward quite

gently.

That was the happiest moment in the

history of happiness I was moving.

Next incessantly the left foot would do its

job of striking the ground at just the right

angle at just the right time to keep me

moving faster and faster.

At that moment the left foot would then

obtain its honored place behind the right

foot on the foot rest. It takes its spot

quite naturally at 35 degree angle to the

right foot.

Quite simply done!

Upright I would be gliding; maneuvering

the handle came naturally to me. So

sometimes throwing one arm to

the wind I’d sail …..

I felt the air against my face, mostly hot

for all of this activity would take place in

the early evenings of the hot summer

days.

Sweat trickled down my back, shone on

my face, waltzing down my hairline.

I did not mind sweat then as I do now.

The fringe on my forehead parted ways

on every ride I took.

I did not mind it then surprisingly

I do not mind it now.

Tall slim rounded bars growing endlessly

from the bottom plate held the two iron

springs that apprehended the handle

to the lone wheel in front.

These were strong as they were ugly.

Many times I would try to wiggle my

fingers between them to clean them of

the dust or a gone astray pebble.

When firm they held they place refusing

to budge. So when I washed and cleaned

my Yellow the springs looked quite the

nasty rebels.

The church compound and the CI club

grounds were so large

in my mind’s eye I thought mother let me

go out in the world when I rode there.

But the largest part of riding took place

in the Kale Bhavan Garage.

Which I must mention here I thought

was part of our home for longer than I

can remember. Its tarred road was ideal

for my escapades on Yellow.

I would go up and down the

road with not a gasp of breath to

spare as I turned and hurtled down the

way again.

The tall looming identical slopes that

took the cars up to the no road strips of

platform were my danger zone. Yes this

would get my breath racing as fear

whispered just before I’ d leave the safety

of the platform to hurtle down those

mean slope at speeds that landed me a

fall more than once.

But I’d do it every now and again to win

some and lose some.

Tears dried well before I reached home.

The two back wheels looked meek and

humble awaiting my bidding to roll and

rumble.

But let me carve up with you

how vicious a fiend it would be.

When in motion if for some

reason my left foot came too near it.

It scrapped the skin off

my ankle bone and looked on

unfeelingly as blood left my wound.

The nut and bolt at all times looked cruel

through my tears.

Nevertheless love my Yellow I did!

Mum would put dettol on the damage

and I would squirm

but as the sting subsided my mind would

already be in travel mode.

Yellow had a factor that made it easy

enough to slip under my bed. Somewhere

just near the front wheel were

insignificant two claw like clutches.

You had to pull hard

and fast outwards and then let go.

Moving your precious

digits away quicker than silver was

essential.

For then the handle collapsed on to the

foot rest the handle bars nestled between

the back grumpy wheels confidently.

With one swift shove I would trust it

under the bed for safe keeping. As well as

it was in easy vision for me, all it

required was to hoist the bed sheet an

inch to see Yellow sleep his metal sleep.

Some may remember it red but I know it

was always Yellow.

And my fascination with driving remains

till today.

Love always

Joscelyn

THE TRUTH BE TOLD

We are not destined to be loved by all.

We are not designed to be happy all the time.

We are not preordained to be successful with every try.

We are not fated to be right in everything we do.

Every situation will not be for our advantage, but our

attitude can be beneficial every time.

Every person will not speak well of us, nonetheless some will

at all times.

Everyone will not hate us, although a number will.

All will not love us despite the fact that a few may possibly.

It’s tiresome to have an opinion about everything however

trade for nothing the ones valued close to your spirit.

It’s learning time when your point of view is not acceptable

and your way is not the one trod on.

It’s time to make a difference in your life with thoughts,

words and deeds which heal and unite.

It’s here now carry out everything to lose it not to the option

which comes too late.

I am, accordingly I be in this world.

I am and I live to tell the tale.

I am and this too shall pass.

Move on says the stars who root for me in heaven!

I am!

Love always

Joscelyn

By My Defination...

Christmas DAYS and NEW Year Resolutions

I will be me. It’s a good day when I am challenged to be myself in spite of another’s words and behavior making a smile, the glow of peace. I will tell of the efforts of children. I imagine a tragedy it will be, the day I am at a loss of words to praise another human beings endeavor, be it a child or adult.

I will listen in compassion and empathy to another’s woes thus affording openhanded pearls of dignity. To me a tear is the flowing pearl of human heartache. Consolation is found in a hands-off ear. Listen but bridle that tongue in respect. ‘Told you so’ hurts as deeply as a lackadaisical attitude.

I will seek and attract humor. A hearty laugh is the acceptance of human folly. Life lurks in the soft folds of a giggle. I will never grow too old to express amusement. I will steer clear of pettiness. Energy sapping and a waste of time are to put the result of that activity mildly. As the puddle told the splash, “I have more depth than you.” I turned the corner giggling.

I will rediscover and reunite with thoughts, persons and places of good-will. A silence is the depth of love at the source of all human feelings. I will look for the soul in events and embrace life in joy and gratitude. There is always at least two ways of looking at happenings. Timing is relevant as long as it is motivating.

I will make each day count as I take steps each day to reach for and develop my dreams. A delay is a time to think in a different way. Act in a different way. Step out of my comfort zone. Do whatever it takes. Ever hopeful I go the distance for today.

I will be eager to write and create. I will make concrete my ideas. Persistent is my resolve to set off the sequence in realization of all my dreams. Impatience is the colour of human undoing which I will not befriend.

I face the reality of my life with fortitude and courage. I will build on what I have with delight. I challenge my reasoning to be cool, calm and collected. I will breathe out heartily. A sigh is the signal of consent to allow hindering and harming thoughts to exit from your rational makeup.

LOVE ALWAYS,

JOSCELYN

THE WINDOW

I sense I am in a boat which is hurtling down the rough & irregular slope of life. I say ‘boat on a hill’ to illustrate the peculiarity. That’s how irrational my life was. Nothing was effective. And I was not asking for help. I supposed I could or rather just have to go it all by myself.

In the deep recesses of my mind I knew there had to be a better way. But I had no idea what it was. My method ended fruitless and futile were my efforts to live a happy life. I was ever so busy in the little things of life and unaware that a power higher and all powerful who knows all things was watching over me as always. It was graces that lead me to an Al-Anon meeting. It was here that I developed an eye to see God and find myself. My relationship with my God began.

I was worn-out having tried everything in my power to control an illusion I called my life. So happily I surrendered in 1998 October to this new track. Since then every step of the way I have looked to my God for answers and support was and is always there for me. An eye to see I opened and to trust I made a choice. Like a skylight on a dark and dreary night, light for me was there. My surrender and acceptance came quickly. Others who observed my success in the program said so. To me it was one thing at a time. It is a process which is worthwhile, insightful & a logical journey. It restored my outlook and my faith in me. It demonstrated to me different perspectives. It was the beginning of many, new and improved views and many miracles.

Implementation is in my hands results are not. Lessons are for me to learn. Change was to be my companion. All good literature which I strategically placed for another to read so that the said individual would change STOPPED. Instead I devoured such and the like myself. In doing so I realized how easy or how difficult it was to change. I no more demanded or expected anyone else to change. Peace came with comprehension.

At times my predicament was due to my poor choices even in that case if I reached for God’s power. It was present. I found solutions which were progressive and consoling. The power never failed to open a window of opportunity for me. Support is so regular and so strong. I grew to understand I had everything I needed in my corner. Solutions lay with me alone.

Faith rules and symbols hold no charm in comparison to it. But to me comprehension and creativity went hand in hand. I thought it would be satisfying to have something actual to hold onto. A physical reminder that I was not on my own would be a pleasant thing to have. That was the motivation for me to create THE WINDOW which holds the most powerful name on earth. JESUS.

Once made, it was comforting to know it was only a look, a touch away. In any event I reached into my hand bag to feel it there and whisper the holy name of JESUS. I never missed an occasion to open the window and read the name of JESUS. It gave me strength and peace. It gave me whatever I needed at the moment. It never failed. The hours which went into its creation were truly, time spent in the company of pure love.

In order to share
The hope of my experience and my joy, I give you a glimpse of ME

My childhood I will say was HAPPY and I was unaware of discomfort.

During my youth the sky was the limit in my daydreams. I was being myself with flourish. I did constructive work with children of the locality. ‘Summer Fire Club’ was my brain child. I ran this club successfully for three consecutive summer vacations.

As a young adult I excelled as an Early Childhood Educator. Creative and appreciated was my work. But personally my thinking shifted to anticipatory mode, waiting for things to happen. It was my attitude that was attracting the impractical. I loaded my happiness in circumstances and persons. Much to my horror, my vision of how things should be or not be was not always acknowledged.

I got married. Life at best was stumbling, blundering, stressing. It comes with the package, when you live your life trying to be in control of home, job, family, finance, and social life. One rule I applied to all problems big and small. And that would be anger& fear ridden thoughts resulting in unhealthy solutions. That was clubbed with naive, shallow, fearful living. Happiness was fleeting. Circumstances deteriorated. I was lost.

Then in 1998 October at the first AL-ANON meeting I felt I was home. Positive vigor was what I felt. My growth as a person began. It was a wonderful challenge to put into practice rules of sane living. I retook my life in my hands by letting go of the need to control others. A burden was lifted with the single most potent statement I heard that day. “You cannot change anyone” How happy I felt because I really had tried everything in the world to change others. I knew it did not work. Yet family and society told me that I have to keep trying! Oh! How happy I felt, relieved really! Now, I put my energies into correcting and changing myself.

In 2000 October my marriage of 19 years ended. With my eight year old daughter I started a new life. This was a personal decision and is not a reflection on the wonderful organization to which I belonged. I had progressed much in my thinking and attitude. I continued to attend the programme and took an active part too. Not taking away from the gravity of my situation. I must say that I learned the most in the years that followed. I grew from strength to strength. Making amends wherever possible changing me wherever necessary was by then an ongoing process.

I grew strong. When trust let me down I grew wiser. By this time I realized it was my self-esteem that had taken a beating. This resulted in me making some poor personal choices. I got through consequences with dignity and fortitude with Jesus by my side. In facing problems retaliation was never an option for me. I used every situation that came my way as a learning opportunity. Thankfully my optimism never failed me. My faith grew. Hope became alive in the right places. Opportunity grabbed my hand, as it were. I found joy in day to day living.

I started on the journey to get to know and love myself first. It was a slow process which still carries on today. But it was and is ever rewarding. The biggest road blocks to a serene life, self- righteousness, self-justification, and self- pity I tackle painstakingly. My efforts met with effective results. My awareness grew. And I strode on to acceptance. I grounded my thinking in reality. For every step of progress I make I give praise to JESUS. I was getting to know HIM well. I could see myself stand before HIM in my heart and talk to HIM. From not asking for help to dumb staring then groveling to begging I inched forward to embrace a sane lifestyle. Learning that JESUS was really all about asking, not begging. That is progress.

Life goes on so hardships continue. But my steps never falter now. I have my window which I look through ever so often. From where I stand I can see love, feel hope and live in faith. I experience happiness which comes from contentment. That is the power of finding a window in JESUS.

Focus is my theme and I never feel like giving up. With HIM by my side I have everything I need. I have started making things happen for me. I am LIVING AND MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE. Forward and onward I never look back. Today, October 2009 ………..I am on my feet, facing the window of wonderful love……..

Love always,

Joscelyn